MORNING THEFT

Dear Alice, Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when we all know babies actually wake up every two hours? Why is it that toasters include settings that burn toast to a blackened crisp, when no-one in the their right mind could possibly want to eat the result? If Jimmy cracks corn and no-one cares, why did some idiot write a stupid song about him? When a deaf person goes to court, is it...

THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN

Dear Alice, Well it’s probably a long way from your consciousness, but it still burns brightly in mine. This week however, I have had little choice but to concede defeat and pay your $50 train fine. I really have done all I can to get leniency from the computer robots at the State Debt Recovery Office. Due to a small technicality though, they have simply refused to budge or respond like human beings ought. Each of...